Randomized Anger Seeking a Target
okay... my brain is officially fried as are all of my internal circuits and my emotional dampers. I really don't know why but for that past few months my anger has been simmering a lot closer to the surface than it normally is and as a result I'm never really sure when it's justified and when it's simply randomized anger trying to find a convenient target.
I almost blew up on Brad today and looking back at it I'm still not sure whether he really was being an asshole or whether it's just because of my crappy mood.
My language today was smptomatic of the whole issue as well... I really can't ever recall swearing at people, events, things, circumstances, etc. so vehmently and prolifically, ever! It normally takes quite a bit to get me to swear but today it just seemed to be pouring from my mouth.
As much as it saddens me to say it I was very grateful that Stephanie didn't stay for the igneous lab today... because if she had I know I probably would have had the anger reach a new level... and the sad thing is... it probably wouldn't have been for any good reason except for my own bitterness and annoyance at her built up over the summer. I don't normally have a problem with anger (showing it perhaps) but I don't usually feel guilty about it... well not guilty, really, just really extremely uncomfortable and critical of it... I mean, if I'm angry and it has a reason I'm fine with it... my problem lately is that I'm never sure whether there really is any justification for the anger or if it's just, as I said earlier, randomized rage seeking a target.
Bloody hell!
And of course this internal, bloody, conflict just leaves me feeling emotionally drained which makes it even harder for me to judge my emotions and even less adept in social situations where I'm never quite sure what emotion I'm projecting to my company (lately I've just been going for tired) or even how I'm actually feeling which certainly makes even thinking about talking about it a moot point... if I can't even figure out how I feel about it myself how am I supposed to explain it to someone else?
I hate anger... it's the main emotion I have incredible difficulty with... I never know how to show it, how to deal with it. It certainly never helped me in bully situations, why? Because my reaction to my inability/unwillingness to lash out in anger is frustration and intense frustration with me leads to tears... which I think, is why I've been so damn, fucking (excuse my language) close to tears all fucking month even when I feel happy.
It certainly doesn't get better in situations like this morning when Brad started shouting at me that I was stupid because the geophysics question I was having problems with was easy and to shut up and listen when I tried to explain why his "simple" method didn't work for the information given!
So what did I do... I bit my tongue, closed down my emotion transmission, allowed the observer partition of my personality to hold sway and gave him my super calm, neutral warning voice as I told him to stop yelling, that I wasn't stupid, that I had originally considered that method... started to try it and then discarded it because I realised why it wouldn't work....
Now, I realise that in this situation a certain amount of anger was acceptable... but the tidal wave of rage I felt was, I think, slightly dissproportionate to the actual events (and you have to remember that my version of events is slightly coloured by the still latent anger, though it was somewhat assuaged when he tried to solve the "simple" problem that "anyone with a brain cell should easily be able to solve" and failed... though he, of course, being Brad didn't admit that, just said that he was lazy and didn't feel like doing it any more...yeesh).
The problem comes in the uncertainty.
bloody hell... I like to be completely sure of my motivations for things... and when I can't figure them out it frustrates me to no end... especially in the case of anger... because I have issues dealing with anger directed at me, I absolutely loathe it... I tend to be sensitive to other people's emotions (in that they tend to have a huge effect on how I feel moment to moment... although overall my emotions tend to hold sway)... this also makes conflict even harde for me becuase it simply makes me feel like I'm fighting myself and my mood quickly spirals ever downward...
okay... enough bloody ranting and dumping for me because it doesn't seem to be helping right now...
Over and out
~Em
I almost blew up on Brad today and looking back at it I'm still not sure whether he really was being an asshole or whether it's just because of my crappy mood.
My language today was smptomatic of the whole issue as well... I really can't ever recall swearing at people, events, things, circumstances, etc. so vehmently and prolifically, ever! It normally takes quite a bit to get me to swear but today it just seemed to be pouring from my mouth.
As much as it saddens me to say it I was very grateful that Stephanie didn't stay for the igneous lab today... because if she had I know I probably would have had the anger reach a new level... and the sad thing is... it probably wouldn't have been for any good reason except for my own bitterness and annoyance at her built up over the summer. I don't normally have a problem with anger (showing it perhaps) but I don't usually feel guilty about it... well not guilty, really, just really extremely uncomfortable and critical of it... I mean, if I'm angry and it has a reason I'm fine with it... my problem lately is that I'm never sure whether there really is any justification for the anger or if it's just, as I said earlier, randomized rage seeking a target.
Bloody hell!
And of course this internal, bloody, conflict just leaves me feeling emotionally drained which makes it even harder for me to judge my emotions and even less adept in social situations where I'm never quite sure what emotion I'm projecting to my company (lately I've just been going for tired) or even how I'm actually feeling which certainly makes even thinking about talking about it a moot point... if I can't even figure out how I feel about it myself how am I supposed to explain it to someone else?
I hate anger... it's the main emotion I have incredible difficulty with... I never know how to show it, how to deal with it. It certainly never helped me in bully situations, why? Because my reaction to my inability/unwillingness to lash out in anger is frustration and intense frustration with me leads to tears... which I think, is why I've been so damn, fucking (excuse my language) close to tears all fucking month even when I feel happy.
It certainly doesn't get better in situations like this morning when Brad started shouting at me that I was stupid because the geophysics question I was having problems with was easy and to shut up and listen when I tried to explain why his "simple" method didn't work for the information given!
So what did I do... I bit my tongue, closed down my emotion transmission, allowed the observer partition of my personality to hold sway and gave him my super calm, neutral warning voice as I told him to stop yelling, that I wasn't stupid, that I had originally considered that method... started to try it and then discarded it because I realised why it wouldn't work....
Now, I realise that in this situation a certain amount of anger was acceptable... but the tidal wave of rage I felt was, I think, slightly dissproportionate to the actual events (and you have to remember that my version of events is slightly coloured by the still latent anger, though it was somewhat assuaged when he tried to solve the "simple" problem that "anyone with a brain cell should easily be able to solve" and failed... though he, of course, being Brad didn't admit that, just said that he was lazy and didn't feel like doing it any more...yeesh).
The problem comes in the uncertainty.
bloody hell... I like to be completely sure of my motivations for things... and when I can't figure them out it frustrates me to no end... especially in the case of anger... because I have issues dealing with anger directed at me, I absolutely loathe it... I tend to be sensitive to other people's emotions (in that they tend to have a huge effect on how I feel moment to moment... although overall my emotions tend to hold sway)... this also makes conflict even harde for me becuase it simply makes me feel like I'm fighting myself and my mood quickly spirals ever downward...
okay... enough bloody ranting and dumping for me because it doesn't seem to be helping right now...
Over and out
~Em
posted by Old Earth Accretionist | 8:17 p.m.
|
1 comments
